Jessica, a friend of the Well Community who cares for her dad, shares practical tips for caregivers during the holidays.
It’s a little ironic that the season that’s hyped as the most wonderful time of the year can be one of the most stressful and complicated—perhaps especially for caregivers of those living with mental illnesses. The routines and support systems we rely on are often put on pause, responsibilities seem to multiply behind our backs and expectations of joy are sky-high.
As caregivers, it can be tempting to brace ourselves for the season and focus on getting to the other side. But, while this can be a challenging time, there are ways we can go beyond mere survival to find joy in the holidays—for us and our loved ones. And they’re more doable than the advice we often hear to “just schedule some me time.” Here are a few things I’ve found helpful all year round, but especially in this season.
Plan for the unexpected.
Holiday festivities rarely go completely according to our expectations. Your nieces all bring their boyfriends (along with three extra teenage appetites and energy) to Thanksgiving dinner; you take your mom to what you think will be a low-key gathering that’s actually a dance party with booming music and strobe lights; and your dad may drop his pills in the snow.
So, where you can, try to have a plan B. If you’re hosting, know how you’ll give your loved one space when the commotion gets to be a little too much. If you’re heading out, pack extra medication and whatever else your loved one might need while away from home. And talk with your loved one about what he or she would like to do if a party is running long or is more crowded than expected. Though it’s impossible to have a game plan for every scenario, being prepared for common curveballs can go a long way.
Be open to doing things differently.
My grandmother used to host a fancy Thanksgiving dinner around her giant dining room table. My mom would break out the same China her mom used each November and host a formal meal. So, when I decided to hand out paper plates and let extended family sprawl all over the house, it felt like I’d majorly dropped the ball.
But a less formal gathering means I can host on more than two hours of sleep, and it’s less stressful for my parents as well. It has allowed my dad to ease into the event at his own pace and stay in the living room rather than being right in the middle of the chaos. Letting go of my idea of what Thanksgiving was “supposed” to look like has freed us to actually enjoy it.
So, consider if some of your “must dos” are negotiable, and think about how doing things a little differently could help you enjoy the aspects of the season that are most important to you and your loved one. Maybe ordering in for a family gathering lets you maintain helpful routines leading up to the event. Or maybe you’ll decide that staying home from a party will give you the energy to be fully present at the Christmas Eve service that’s especially meaningful to you.
Change can be uncomfortable, especially when it comes to longstanding traditions. But it’s worth the effort as it can empower us to navigate the holidays in ways that are a better fit for us and the people we care for.
Accept help—where it’s helpful.
Even when we’re exhausted, it’s difficult to accept help, and even harder to ask for it. This can be especially true during the holidays when we know everyone is especially busy and we don’t want to take away from their enjoyment of the season. But try to be open to the possibility that helping you and your loved one might bring others joy. And remember that some people (like college students home for the holidays and those who get extended time off around Christmas) might actually have more time and flexibility to lend a hand.
Another reason we often hesitate to ask for help is rooted in the reality that in some cases, it really is just easier and best for us to handle certain tasks ourselves, such as taking a parent or child to the doctor for the sake of consistency and awareness of updates to their treatment plan. But that’s not the case with everything. So, identify what kind of assistance is most helpful for you and your family—the type that frees you to do what’s most important for you to do as well as to rest.
Maybe it’s important for you to be at your mom’s medical appointments, but having a meal waiting for you when you get home would be a blessing. Perhaps a friend could keep your brother company while you shop for gifts or have coffee with a friend. Maybe your nephew could replace those light bulbs you’ve been too busy to deal with. Don’t hesitate to say yes to these things, even if they feel silly or like “indirect help” that’s less for your loved one and more for you. Accepting assistance for yourself enables you to be a better caregiver.
Build in micro-breaks.
As caregivers, we’ve all heard about the importance of self-care—sometimes so often that the term itself can become a turnoff. We know we’re supposed to be tending to our own needs, but doing so adds one more thing to fit into our already bursting schedules.
Especially around the holidays, it’s easy for me to get defensive when I read or hear admonitions to build in a little me time—So when, exactly, am I supposed to do that? Often, it does seem impossible, and a lot of times it truly isn’t feasible to go get a massage or spend the day watching movies.
But I can schedule a few minutes to read each evening or plan to pick up that seasonal coffee on the way home from the pharmacy. I can set a reminder to myself to pray each morning and meditate on a Bible verse that reminds me of God’s care for me. Maybe you can block out time to journal a few days a week, watch a funny video or schedule a regular call with a friend. None of those things take lots of time, energy or money, but they give a little space to breathe and be in the moment.
If you can plan a spa day and that’s relaxing for you, go for it! But if not, don’t give up on taking small steps that can help you navigate caregiving over the holidays. They don’t have to be big to be beneficial.
Although some members of The Well Community are blessed to have loved ones who come alongside them, most lack this kind of support. For those with families unable to help, the acceptance, assistance and friendship they find at The Well is especially vital. Your gift will help the Well Community continue to serve as a family for those living with serious mental illnesses. Give today.